Venting?

I'm not sure that I even need to vent right now. I have a pretty blessed life. But who am I kidding? I am human, I am not greatful for everything 24 hours a day. I know everyone out there, where ever there is, can relate to this. Dont you hate that there will always be that one person you know in your heart you will never get over? Its quite annoying actually. You can sit there and list all the reasons why you know you shouldnt care about this person and yet... there you are, still thinking about him. I feel like kicking myself in the face when I knew I had someone who would treat me better than him but I was sto stupid in how much I loved him that I let that go and decided to be with him. Well where is he now? What gets to me the most is he says he still loves me, he will always love me, and he wishes he could be here with me but its not that simple. I know its not that simple but what seems simple to me is YOU STILL LOVE ME. If that is true, we can work everything out with time. No one is saying we have to jump back to right where we left off. I dont think many people value relationships anymore. If it gets too hard they're ready to give up before actually trying. I wonder if anyone really believes they will be with the person they get married to forever, until literally death parts them. I would. I would stay with him the rest of my life. I dont know if its only him that I feel this way for. I would like to move on but it's hard to see myself doing that right now.

I dont want to sound insensitive, I know why he left. I cant look past that at all. He isnt wrong for leaving either. I just feel like he isnt giving himself, or me, the chance we both deserve. I think he is scared. Scared to find out that if he comes back, things will be a lot more simple than he wants them to be. And that he would actually be happy if he came back. I feel like he would feel that isnt fair to him.

But then again... I could be wrong about everything.

I dont know yet.

So... Once upon a time I was told to turn my life into a book. I find this kind of funny because I am only 24. But once I actually started to think about what I would write, I came to the realization that I have been through enough "drama" to last me the rest of my life and if I never came across ANY problems ever again, it would be all the better. I am saying this at the age of 24. Dont get me wrong, there are millions of people in the world that have it much worse than I do, and it would be wrong to say I am thankful for that, but I am. I am thankful for the fact that everything I ever needed was provided for me and I never had to worry about necessities growing up. I'm not ready to start talking about my childhood just yet, I just wanted to clarify that there are things I am thankful for, and I'm sure as I get deeper into writing this, I will find more things I have to be thankful for besides what I just mentioned. I think the best way to start this blog is to talk about my recent "situation". And actually, jeez, no I dont think I will be getting into any details about how I got to be in the place I am right now, I think I will just state what it is. Anyway, back to the point...

Hi, I am 24, and no my name is not Melanie. I have a baby who is about to be a year old and I am pretty sure this is going to sound very typical, but yea... she is my everything. You know, my reason to live and be something. She really is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I would like to tell you that I am married, or I'm not, but the truth is I really dont know what my status is right now. I mean technically, legally, I am married. [In the state of Texas] Religiously though... I'm not quite sure. I did have the ceremony and signed all the right documents but, I just dont know how easy it is to get divorced in our religion [Islam]. According to my husband/ex-husband, all you have to do is say "talak", which means divorce in Udru, 3 times and you're divorced. I dont know how much credibility is behind this but whatever... he said the word 3 times so in his eyes we're divorced. That pretty much tells you that I am free to do what I want but I dont see things to be that easy, but that is a story for another day. I'm in school to become a teacher. I dont have that much more to do, about a year probably. I originally wanted to do psychology [I could never decide if I wanted to get into child psychology or forensic clinical psychology] because I find everything about the subject so interesting but I see being a teacher as something more practical. Whatever makes me money the fastest is kind of how I see it now; I have someone else besides myself to think of now. I have a mother and a father who have been divorced for a while now. That is also a story for another time. And summing up my family are my 3 sisters. My older sister is 30, then its me, then I have one that is 18, and last 13. My parents had a plan when they thought about having kids. I know so far this wouldnt sound interesting to anyone reading this, and you wouldnt be able to think of a reason to continue reading this "blog", or whatever it is, past this point but I'm pretty sure as time goes on my stories are going to get better. Think of it as building a house. You wont get done in the first day, you have to start with the foundation. Then comes whatever it is.. structure and all that. And when you're done with the whole project, you stand back and look at all the work that has been put into and admire the work that has been done. Something like that...

Anyway, so those are the basics about me. I think I started this off right. Nice, simple and easy. Not too much thought put into it.